Time for an Anniversary

Time is the greatest healer

One year on and I cannot believe I am writing that today is my one year thyroidectomy anniversary. 

Time has both scuttled on and stilted to a halt. 

My darling Is (And Mum in the reflection ;) )

(Trigger Warning: Cancer, Medical Trauma.) Today I am filled with mixed feelings. I am grateful that I am sitting here able to write and with my voice safely intact. However, I cannot help but keep looking at the clock knowing that this time last year I was 'under' and being investigated like a game of Operation. So far, I have been told to remember that this was last year and that I am no longer there. Yes, this is true, but the deeper truth is how I cannot believe I went through that, and the trauma that I carry from that. What no one prepares you for is the psychological healing. My scar on my neck might have faded and is healing to a silver line, a twisted piece of jewellery or a reminder of what I survived (you can choose); what no one can see is the scar I have mentally. 

On this day last year, Covid sadly still held a title as infamous as it is now. No one was allowed to visit the hospital, and despite how lovely the nurses, doctors and staff at the hospital were, it was still terrifying. Having to fight every natural impulse to run and instead be sedated is something I would never wish on my worst enemy, yet it is something I know is also completely necessary for me to be here today. I realise I may sound a little dramatic, and I am not writing this as a 'woe-is-me' pity-party, but rather to shine a light on the reality of surgery and medical trauma. 

Why I am giving a thumbs up I have no idea

I remember the fear of handing over all my trust to a team of experienced medical professionals. All I could do is beg for them to protect my voice, and I kind of laugh now at how I wasn't begging them to remove the tumour instead. It hadn't sunken in that I had cancer, and to be honest I don't think it really has now (even a year later ha!). What I hadn't expected was for a one hour operation to last about six hours and the horror of the aggressive nature of my tumour. I heard only too well the next day of how thorough the procedure was, and how disturbingly large my lymph nodes were. I don't even have the words to express how grateful I am to that team and for all they did that day, they truly are amazing. 

Recovery knocked me for six, but once I started healing physically, the recommended six weeks time-frame became a lot shorter. I definitely shocked my mum, sister and friends but I was determined that I was not going to let cancer ruin my body. My voice still felt weak, but I was not going to allow it to disappear (high notes and all). Once my voice started to improve and return to normal was when I think I became a lot more content, which is sort of odd considering I still needed further treatment.

After being radioactive (not a sentence I thought I'd ever write), I pretty much just acted as if I was back to normal. In many senses I was, as I had to wait nine months anyway before we could see if the treatment had worked. Despite the constant tiredness, I pushed on through until I felt more back to a regular state. I went tee-total for a year to allow my body to heal, and appreciated the sleep my body now accepted. Since then, to the state the obvious, a lot of time has passed, even though it feels like yesterday I was being driven to hospital waiting for surgery. I can also see how I had not allowed myself much time to process it all. 

The reality is I still have a lot of healing to do. I hold a lot of medical PTSD and know that I need more time until I will be able to accept the 21st July 2020 and everything surrounding it before and since then. However, the time passed has also allowed me to bring in some positives too. I am aware of my support around me. I never asked for sympathy (and this includes in this post), and struggle to accept help, but the help and support I have received well and truly has lifted me up during a very scary time. I am also proud of how strong my body has been so far for keeping me going a year on. I am also aware that despite how aggressive my tumour was, I am lucky it didn't create further damage for me and the treatment I was able to receive. The fact my voice is fine is something I am always incredibly thankful for. Even though I am reliant on medication to regulate my energy levels, I've discovered that it doesn't stop me from achieving anything. Strangely enough, my body has felt the most stable it has in a long time since being on the medication. Sometimes, I wonder if perhaps my body really was struggling pre-surgery and I was just out of touch with it. Therefore, I am more in tune with how my body works now. 

When you have cancer, life does feel a bit like a waiting game sometimes. I am currently waiting for a scan/treatment in August which will determine the next stage of my journey. As always, please continue to check yourself for lumps and bumps, and if you feel unsure to contact the doctors. In the meantime (see what I did here), have this reflection of the concept of time from a cancer patient. 

Visiting Wells a few weeks ago

Until next time (I will stop now I promise),

All my love,

Odette

xoxo